Local Alchemist Achieves Gold Transmutation, Immediately Loses It in Crypto Crash

In what scholars are calling both the greatest achievement and most spectacular fumble in hermetic history, freelance alchemist Gerald Voltan announced Tuesday that he had successfully transmuted lead into gold using a modified athanor and what he described as 'an absolutely bonkers amount of mercury.' The breakthrough, which took place in Voltan's garage laboratory in suburban Tucson, reportedly yielded 14 troy ounces of 24-karat gold — worth approximately $28,000 at current market prices. 'I wept,' Voltan said, clutching a singed copy of the Emerald Tablet. 'Centuries of hermetic tradition, vindicated in my own garage, right next to the lawn mower.' However, in a decision that has since been described by the International Society of Hermetic Practitioners as 'cosmically unfortunate,' Voltan immediately converted his alchemical gold into cryptocurrency. 'The blockchain is the new philosopher's stone,' Voltan reportedly told his wife before watching his portfolio lose 73 percent of its value overnight. Voltan has since returned to his athanor, claiming he is 'very close' to transmuting his remaining assets into something useful. His wife has filed for a separation of essences.