Alchemist's Tinder Profile Lists 'Turning Lead Into Gold' as a Hobby, Gets Zero Matches

Self-described 'freelance alchemist' Damian Vitriol has reported zero matches on Tinder after three months, despite what he calls 'an extremely compelling profile' that highlights his expertise in transmutation, elemental correspondences, and the mystical marriage of opposites. 'I thought the alchemy angle would be intriguing,' Vitriol said from his basement laboratory, surrounded by bubbling flasks and a cat named Paracelsus. 'My bio says: Seeking partner for the Great Work. Must appreciate long walks through elemental cycles and candlelit purification rituals. No Scorpios.' Vitriol's profile photos include a selfie with his athanor ('ladies love a man with a furnace'), a staged shot of him holding a vial of mercury ('mysterious and sophisticated'), and what he describes as 'a tasteful laboratory panorama.' Dating coach Sandra Bloom reviewed the profile at a reporter's request and identified several issues. 'The mercury selfie is a health code violation. The athanor photo looks like he's standing next to a crime scene. And listing your occupation as Herald of Quintessence is not the conversation starter he thinks it is.' Vitriol remains optimistic. 'The right person will understand that I'm offering something no one else can — eternal transformation. Also I make a really good risotto.' Paracelsus the cat declined to comment.