Alchemist Successfully Transmutes Student Loan Debt Into Crippling Anxiety

Recent alchemy graduate Marcus Calcor has announced the successful transmutation of $87,000 in student loan debt into what he describes as 'pure, uncut existential dread,' a process he claims represents a valid alchemical operation. 'In the hermetic tradition, nigredo — the blackening — is the first stage of the Great Work,' Calcor explained from his parents' basement, where he has been living since completing his self-directed alchemy studies. 'My financial dissolution is merely the precursor to spiritual gold. The debt had to die before I could be reborn.' Calcor's parents, Harold and Denise, offered a less philosophical perspective. 'He spent six years studying alchemy online and now he owes $87,000 and can turn anxiety into more anxiety,' said Harold. 'I asked him to at least transmute the lawn, and he said that's \"not how correspondences work.\"' Calcor has applied for several positions, including 'Corporate Alchemist' at a Fortune 500 company, 'Chief Transmutation Officer' at a startup, and barista at the Starbucks on Fifth Street, which he describes as 'the most alchemical of the service professions' due to its 'transformation of raw materials into gold-colored beverages.' Sallie Mae has declined to accept quintessence as a form of payment.