Athanor Recall Issued After Several Models Found to Actually Work

AlchemiCraft LLC issued an urgent product recall Monday for its bestselling Heritage Series athanor after multiple customers reported that the decorative furnaces were 'genuinely transmuting things.'

'The Heritage Series was designed as a premium lifestyle accent piece,' said CEO Jonathan Crucible in a prepared statement. 'It was never intended to produce actual alchemical reactions. We are deeply concerned.'

The recall affects approximately 12,000 units sold through Williams-Sonoma and Restoration Hardware between 2023 and 2025.

Reports began surfacing in January when a customer in Scottsdale noticed her Heritage athanor had converted a copper bracelet into what a jeweler confirmed was 'real, inexplicable gold.'

'I thought it was just a fancy fire pit,' said the customer, who requested anonymity. 'I was roasting marshmallows in it. Now my marshmallow skewers are gold and I don't know what to do.'

AlchemiCraft's engineering team has been unable to identify the cause. 'Our design uses standard ceramic and firebrick,' said lead engineer Patricia Sulfur. 'There is no scientific explanation for why it's achieving the Great Work. Frankly, it's embarrassing.'

Customers are advised to discontinue use immediately and avoid placing any base metals near the device. Those who have already achieved transmutation are asked to contact their accountant.