Elixir of Life Recalled Due to Unacceptable Aftertaste

PhoenixBev, the startup that last month claimed to have synthesized the legendary Elixir of Life, issued a voluntary recall Thursday after focus group participants unanimously rejected the product on taste grounds. 'The immortality part works great,' said beta tester Karen Albedo, 62. 'But I'm not drinking something that tastes like a wet nickel wrapped in burning sage for the rest of eternity. Which, I now realize, is a very long time.' The elixir, marketed under the brand name ForeverSip, was developed over three years by a team of alchemists and beverage scientists in a WeWork in Austin, Texas. 'We focused heavily on the efficacy side,' admitted CEO Mercurius Drake. 'The flavor profile was, admittedly, an afterthought. We figured people would overlook the taste given that the alternative is death.' Focus group transcripts paint a grim picture. Participants used descriptors including 'molten pennies,' 'if sulfur went to college,' and 'imagine licking the Periodic Table from left to right.' One participant simply wrote 'no' forty-seven times. PhoenixBev has hired a former La Croix flavor designer to develop a reformulation, with initial prototypes reportedly featuring hints of cucumber and existential dread. The company expects to relaunch in Q3, pending FDA review of both the flavor and the 'making death optional' claims.