Lab Results Confirm Area Alchemist's 'Elixir of Wisdom' Is Just Cold Brew With Turmeric

State health inspectors have confirmed that a locally produced 'Elixir of Wisdom' sold at farmers' markets across the greater Portland area is, from a molecular standpoint, cold brew coffee with turmeric and a 'negligible amount of gold leaf.'

The elixir, produced by self-proclaimed alchemist Sage Antimony under the brand name Third Eye Brew, has been marketed as 'a hermetically sealed infusion of celestial correspondences designed to unlock latent wisdom and promote elemental balance.'

'It's coffee,' said FDA chemist Dr. Rita Mendelev, reviewing the lab results. 'Very good coffee, to be fair. But coffee.'

Antimony disputed the findings in a twelve-page rebuttal written in calligraphic script on parchment.

'Western science lacks the instruments to detect alchemical potency,' Antimony wrote. 'The turmeric serves as a carrier for solar correspondences. The cold brew facilitates the opening of the mind's athanor. The gold leaf is admittedly decorative.'

Customers appear unconcerned by the revelation. 'I knew it was basically coffee,' said regular buyer Melody Aether. 'But it tastes better when you call it an elixir. There's a placebo effect and I'm choosing to honor it.'

Antimony's next product, 'Tincture of Fortitude,' is reportedly espresso with cinnamon.