Hermetic Society Votes to Replace Mercury With Oat Milk in All Future Rituals

The International Council of Hermetic Practitioners voted 7-4 on Thursday to officially replace mercury with oat milk in all sanctioned alchemical procedures, citing what chairperson Elara Quicksilver called 'an uncomfortable number of poisoning incidents.' The resolution, which takes effect at the next solstice, has ignited fierce debate among practitioners worldwide. 'Mercury is fundamental to the Great Work,' protested traditionalist Aldous Flame at an emergency session. 'You cannot achieve the marriage of opposites with a dairy alternative. It's literally in the name — Mercurius. Not Oatmilkius.' Progressives countered that the substitution had already shown promising results in laboratory trials conducted at a converted Whole Foods in Portland. 'Our oat-milk-based tinctures achieved 94 percent of the purification rates of mercury-based ones,' said researcher Fern Calcination, 'with the added benefit of being delicious in coffee.' The vote has prompted a schism within the community. A breakaway faction calling itself the True Mercury Alliance has vowed to continue traditional practices, operating out of an undisclosed location that neighbors describe as 'glowing ominously.' Meanwhile, Barista's Brief has reported a 340 percent spike in oat milk futures.