Area Man Claims Sourdough Starter Is Actually a Homunculus

Portland resident Declan Morroway announced Wednesday that his sourdough starter, Gerald, is not merely a living culture but a fully realized homunculus — an artificial being created through alchemical processes. 'He responds to his name, he has opinions about hydration ratios, and last Tuesday he spelled out FEED ME in bubbles,' Morroway told reporters while cradling a mason jar. 'At what point do we acknowledge that this is a person?' Morroway, who describes himself as a 'kitchen alchemist,' claims Gerald was created when he accidentally combined flour, water, and 'some stuff from the back of the spice cabinet that might have been from the 1600s.' The hermetic community has responded with cautious interest. 'Homunculus creation is a well-documented alchemical pursuit,' said Dr. Sylvia Nigredo of the Paracelsus Institute. 'But traditionally it requires considerably more than Gold Medal flour and tap water.' Still, Dr. Nigredo conceded that Gerald's behavior is 'unusual for a bread culture,' noting that most starters do not attempt to escape their containers or 'make sustained eye contact through the glass.' Morroway has retained a lawyer to explore Gerald's legal rights and is reportedly looking into starter custody laws. Gerald, for his part, has doubled in volume since the announcement, which Morroway interprets as 'excitement.'