Annual Transmutation Conference Devolves Into Fistfight Over Proper Mercury-to-Sulfur Ratio

The 47th Annual International Conference on Transmutation and Applied Hermetics descended into chaos Saturday when a panel discussion on mercury-to-sulfur ratios escalated from 'spirited academic debate' to what witnesses described as 'an absolute donnybrook.' The altercation began during a keynote address by Dr. Arsenius Thoth, who presented findings suggesting a 3:1 mercury-to-sulfur ratio produced optimal results in gold transmutation. His data was immediately challenged by Dr. Philippa Azoth, a longtime rival who favors a 5:2 ratio she claims was 'revealed to her in a vision.' 'His methodology is an embarrassment to Hermes Trismegistus,' Dr. Azoth shouted from the audience. 'A child could achieve better correspondences.' Dr. Thoth responded by calling Dr. Azoth's ratio 'the alchemical equivalent of putting ketchup on filet mignon,' at which point, according to multiple witnesses, someone threw a retort stand. The resulting melee involved approximately forty practitioners and caused an estimated $15,000 in damage to the Marriott ballroom, including the destruction of a 16th-century grimoire that had been on display in the lobby. Conference organizers have issued a statement noting that 'the pursuit of the Great Work should unite us, not divide us,' and have announced that next year's event will feature mandatory anger management workshops and a strict no-glassware policy.