University Offers First Accredited Degree in Practical Alchemy, Immediately Loses Accreditation

Westfield State University's bold decision to offer a Bachelor of Science in Practical Alchemy lasted exactly eleven days before the Higher Learning Commission revoked the program's accreditation, citing what reviewers called 'a fundamental departure from observable reality.' The program, housed in a renovated chemistry lab that faculty had redecorated with 'thematically appropriate tapestries,' promised students a rigorous four-year curriculum covering transmutation theory, elemental correspondences, and what the course catalog described as 'laboratory work with real fire.' 'We saw an underserved market,' explained department chair Dr. Opus Magnum. 'There are thousands of practicing alchemists in this country who lack formal credentials. We wanted to change that.' The accreditation review, conducted over a single horrified afternoon, noted several concerns. Among them: the program's textbook was published in 1532, the final exam required students to 'achieve quintessence or equivalent,' and the safety section of the syllabus consisted entirely of the phrase 'may God protect thee.' Dr. Magnum has contested the decision, arguing that the commission's evaluators 'lack the spiritual preparation necessary to assess our pedagogy.' The 23 enrolled students have been offered transfers to the chemistry department, which Dr. Magnum dismisses as 'alchemy without ambition.'