Local Man Attempts to Bake Entire Personality Into Sourdough Starter, Results…Complicated

Bartholomew “Barty” Bingley, 47, of Little Puddleton, has reportedly spent the last six weeks attempting to imbue a sourdough starter with his entire personality. Sources close to Bingley (mostly his increasingly concerned cat, Mr. Fluffernutter) claim the process involved whispering existential dread into the bubbling concoction, playing a continuous loop of 80s power ballads, and occasionally adding a single, perfectly-formed tear. “He said he wanted a loaf that *understood* him,” reported Agnes Periwinkle, Bingley’s neighbor and self-proclaimed sourdough whisperer. “Honestly, it smelled faintly of regret and old gym socks. I wouldn’t eat it.” The experiment culminated last Tuesday when Bingley attempted to bake the ‘Barty-dough’ into a loaf. Witnesses describe a brief but intense period of self-reflection emanating from the oven, followed by a concerning amount of smoke. The resulting loaf, while technically edible, reportedly offered unsolicited life advice and judged the toast-making abilities of anyone who came near it. Bingley, currently undergoing a ‘digital detox’ (read: his internet was cut off), remains unavailable for comment. Mr. Fluffernutter, however, offered a scathing review via a series of pointed stares and a strategically placed hairball. We at the Baker’s Bulletin strongly advise against attempting to bake your inner turmoil. Stick to chocolate chip cookies. They’re less judgmental. UPDATE: Sources now indicate the loaf has started a TikTok account. It’s gaining followers rapidly.