Customer Who Orders 'Just A Regular Coffee' Triggers Existential Crisis Behind Counter

A customer's request for "just a regular coffee" at a third-wave specialty coffee shop has reportedly triggered a cascading existential crisis among all three baristas on shift. The request, delivered at 8:17 a.m. by a man in a windbreaker who appeared to want nothing more than caffeine in liquid form, confronted the staff with a question that their combined twelve years of specialty coffee training had not prepared them to answer: What is regular? "Is regular a medium roast? A blend? Drip? Pour-over? What origin? What processing method?" recounted barista Jerome Portafilter, who stood frozen behind the La Marzocca for approximately eight seconds. "In that moment, I realized that 'regular' is a concept, not a specification." The customer, later identified as local accountant Dave Middleton, watched with increasing confusion as three baristas conferred in whispered tones about whether "regular" implied a twelve-ounce Colombian pour-over at a 1:16 ratio or a sixteen-ounce batch brew with cream. "I just wanted coffee," Middleton said. "The kind that's already made. In a pot. That you pour." The shop does not have a pot. After a deliberation lasting four minutes — during which a line of six customers formed — Middleton was presented with a single-origin Guatemalan pour-over brewed at 205 degrees with a forty-five-second bloom. He accepted it, added three packets of sugar, and left. Barista Portafilter has since added "What is regular?" to the whiteboard of philosophical questions mounted above the grinder.