Area 51 Gift Shop Accidentally Sells Actual Classified Document as Souvenir

An investigation is underway at Nellis Air Force Base after a document bearing genuine TOP SECRET classification markings was inadvertently sold as a novelty souvenir at the Area 51-adjacent gift shop on the Extraterrestrial Highway, laminated and mounted alongside a cartoon alien holding a sign reading 'I Want to Believe.' The document, which appears to detail logistical procedures for a program identified only by a codename, was purchased for $12.99 by tourist and retired schoolteacher Gladys Memento, who brought it home to Wisconsin and hung it in her guest bathroom. 'I thought it was a prop,' said Memento. 'It looked official, but so does everything in that store. They sell authentic-looking autopsy reports for seven dollars. The font was the same.' The document's authenticity was discovered when Memento's grandson, an Air Force ROTC cadet, visited for Thanksgiving and recognized the classification formatting while using the bathroom. 'He came out of the guest bath looking like he'd seen a ghost,' Memento recalled. 'He said, Grandma, where did you get this? I said, the gift shop, honey. He said, this is real. I said, it was twelve ninety-nine, how real can it be?' The gift shop, which operates independently on private land near the base perimeter, sources its novelty items from a variety of suppliers. The shop's owner, who goes by 'Cosmic Dave,' told investigators that the document was included in a bulk lot of surplus paper goods purchased at a government auction. 'I laminate everything,' Dave explained. 'Lamination is what makes it a souvenir. Once it's laminated, it's memorabilia. That's just how it works.' The Department of Defense has recovered the document and declined to confirm or deny its contents. Memento has been debriefed and cleared of wrongdoing. She has requested a replacement souvenir. Dave has been asked to review his remaining inventory. He has found two more documents with classification markings. Both have been laminated.