Chemtrail Sommelier Publishes First Tasting Guide, Awards Three Plumes to Southwest Airlines

Self-described chemtrail sommelier Reginald Plume has published what he claims is the world's first comprehensive chemtrail tasting guide, a 240-page volume titled 'Trails of Distinction: A Connoisseur's Guide to Atmospheric Flavor Profiles,' which rates the vapor trails of 47 airlines across six continents. The guide, available exclusively through Plume's website and select conspiracy bookshops, uses a five-plume rating system analogous to the Michelin star system. Southwest Airlines received the guide's highest rating of three plumes for what Plume describes as 'a remarkably consistent dispersal pattern with a clean, herbaceous nose and surprisingly pleasant mouthfeel.' 'Most people just look up and see a white line,' said Plume, who claims to have tasted over 2,000 chemtrails during a five-year research period conducted from lawn chairs in 34 countries. 'I see terroir. Every airline has a signature. United is metallic and hurried. British Airways has a stately, imperial quality -- very structured, with top notes of barium and a long aluminum finish. Ryanair is thin, rushed, and tastes like it cut corners.' The tasting methodology involves standing beneath flight paths with mouth open and tongue extended, a practice Plume calls 'aero-gustation.' He records observations in a leather-bound journal using a notation system of his own invention. 'Altitude is critical,' Plume explained. 'A trail at 35,000 feet reaches the palate differently than one at 28,000. The higher trails have more time to develop complexity. The lower ones are bolder, more immediate -- what I call the espresso of chemtrails.' The guide also includes a food pairing section, recommending that readers enjoy Southwest's trails with grilled fish and Delta's with aged cheddar. Federal aviation officials have declined to comment on the guide, noting only that contrails are condensation. Plume has dismissed this explanation as 'exactly what a condensation lobbyist would say.'