Flat Earth Society's Annual Cruise Accidentally Circumnavigates the Globe

The Flat Earth Society's annual research cruise, which departed Miami on January 15 with a mandate to sail westward until reaching the edge of the world, returned to Miami on March 3 after inadvertently circumnavigating the globe, an outcome that organizers have attributed to 'navigational interference by unknown parties.' The vessel, a chartered cruise ship renamed the S.S. Horizon's End, carried 340 passengers and a crew of 120 on what was billed as 'the definitive expedition to document the boundary.' Passengers paid between $4,500 and $12,000 for the privilege. 'We sailed west. We kept sailing west. We never reached any edge,' said expedition leader Captain Gerald Planesworth, reviewing the ship's log in the same Miami terminal from which he had departed. 'The only logical explanation is that someone moved the edge.' The ship's GPS system was intentionally disabled before departure, as GPS technology is, according to the Society, 'a tool of the globalist establishment.' Navigation was conducted using 'traditional methods' including compass, sextant, and what Planesworth described as 'directional intuition.' Despite arriving at their point of origin, several passengers rejected the conclusion that they had traveled in a circle. 'Miami has palm trees,' observed passenger Donna Level. 'This place also has palm trees. But that doesn't mean it's the same Miami. It could be a second Miami placed here to confuse us.' A motion was raised to check the GPS coordinates but was voted down 247 to 93. The ship's onboard researcher, Dr. Bradley Horizon, maintained that the expedition had in fact traveled in a straight line along the flat plane and simply arrived at 'the recurring zone,' a region he described as 'where the disc loops back on itself, like a very large Pac-Man board.' This theory has been submitted for publication. No journal has responded. The 2027 expedition is already being planned, with organizers promising to sail east this time. 'If we keep going east, we'll definitely find the edge,' Planesworth said. 'It has to be on one side.'