Illuminati Downsizes to 'Illuminati Lite' Citing Unsustainable Candle Budget

The Illuminati, the shadowy cabal widely believed to control world governments, financial markets, and the outcome of reality television competitions, has announced a restructuring initiative that will reduce its operations to what internal documents describe as 'Illuminati Lite,' citing unsustainable operating costs. The changes, outlined in a memo leaked to the Conspiracy Courier by a disgruntled member, include: elimination of the dental plan, reduction of secret meetings from weekly to biweekly, downgrading the ceremonial robes from silk to a polyester blend, and replacing the traditional eye-of-providence centerpieces with printed cardstock versions. 'Inflation has hit everyone, even us,' the memo reads. 'The candle budget alone has increased 340 percent since 2019. We were burning through 4,000 beeswax tapers per quarter. We're switching to LED. The ambiance will suffer but the balance sheet demands it.' The restructuring also eliminates three tiers of membership, consolidating the previous seven-level hierarchy -- from Initiate to Grand Architect of the New World Order -- into a simplified three-tier system: Basic, Premium, and Ultra. 'We had members at the Keeper of the Sacred Flame tier who hadn't attended a meeting in five years,' said a source identified only as Member 7,742. 'They were just paying dues for the robe and the parking validation. We can't sustain a seven-tier pyramid on that basis. Pun intended.' The dental plan elimination has proven particularly controversial. 'We control the world's central banks but can't cover a root canal?' said one member, who spoke on condition of extreme anonymity. 'My dentist charges $1,200. I allegedly control the global financial system and I can't get a cleaning covered.' A splinter faction has reportedly formed, calling itself the 'Original Illuminati,' which promises to maintain the traditional meeting schedule and silk robes. They are currently meeting in a member's garage. The restructured organization will hold its first biweekly meeting next Thursday. LED candles will be provided. Members are asked to bring their own snacks, as the catering contract has also been terminated.