Shadow Government IT Department Submits Helpdesk Ticket, Waits Like Everyone Else

The shadow government -- the clandestine parallel administration widely alleged to control world events from behind the scenes -- has reportedly been unable to access its primary surveillance dashboard for three weeks after a routine Windows update corrupted the login authentication module, according to leaked internal communications. The organization's IT department submitted a helpdesk ticket on January 14 and has received the same automated response as every other user in the queue: 'Your ticket has been received. A technician will be assigned shortly. Current estimated wait time: 15-20 business days.' 'We control the world's intelligence apparatus,' reads one leaked internal message, attributed to a senior operative known as Overseer-6. 'We have backdoors into every major telecommunications network on the planet. And we cannot log into our own dashboard because of a Windows update. Bill Gates was supposed to be on our side.' The affected system, described in the communications as 'PANOPTICON v4.2,' is apparently the organization's central monitoring platform, used to track global events, coordinate operative assignments, and manage the cafeteria menu at the organization's undisclosed headquarters. 'We've been running operations blind for three weeks,' reads another message. 'We had to coordinate the last two geopolitical crises via group text. Do you know how hard it is to orchestrate a currency fluctuation over iMessage? Someone kept sending the thumbs-up react instead of confirming the exchange rate.' The IT department, which reportedly consists of two people and an intern, has attempted several fixes, including restarting the server, clearing the cache, and 'turning it off and on again, which is apparently the same thing as restarting the server but IT insists it's different.' A source within the organization confirmed that the shadow government is now considering a migration to Linux, a proposal that has divided the leadership. 'Half of us think Linux is more secure,' the source said. 'The other half says it's too hard to use. We allegedly run the world and we can't agree on an operating system.' The helpdesk ticket remains open.