Man Who Believes WiFi Causes Mind Control Can't Explain Why His Thoughts Improve at Starbucks

Glendale resident and self-described 'frequency refugee' Darren Signal has documented 347 instances over the past two years in which his cognitive clarity improved measurably upon leaving WiFi-enabled commercial premises, a phenomenon he attributes to escaping 'the control bandwidth' and his physician attributes to the natural half-life of caffeine. 'Every time I walk into a Starbucks, my thoughts get fuzzy within about twenty minutes,' Signal explained, reviewing a leather-bound journal in which he meticulously records his mental state upon entering and exiting various establishments. 'Then I leave, and within thirty to forty-five minutes, I can think clearly again. That's not a coincidence. That's a pattern. That's data.' Signal's journal entries, which span 14 volumes, correlate his proximity to WiFi routers with symptoms including 'mental fog,' 'suggestibility,' 'an urge to purchase seasonal beverages,' and 'a feeling that everything is fine, which is suspicious.' His physician, Dr. Angela Baseline, has offered an alternative explanation. 'He goes to Starbucks. He drinks a large coffee. He experiences the caffeine peak -- alertness, talkativeness, a sense of well-being. Then he leaves. Thirty minutes later, the caffeine begins to wear off, and the relative clarity he feels is simply the absence of overstimulation. This is pharmacology, not frequency warfare.' Signal rejects this explanation. 'She would say that. Her office has WiFi. She's compromised.' To test his theory, Signal spent one week avoiding all WiFi-enabled locations. He reported 'unprecedented mental clarity' during this period, though he also noted feelings of 'isolation, boredom, and a persistent craving for a caramel macchiato.' He has since resumed visiting Starbucks, which he describes as 'field research.' He visits approximately four times per week. 'I have to go back to study the effect,' he said. 'Also, their oat milk is very good. But that's not why I go. I go for science.'