Local Influencer's 'Sustainable' Linen Pants Linked to Exploitative Alpaca Farm – Sources Say Alpacas 'Deeply Unimpressed'

Fashion Forward’s intrepid investigations have uncovered a shocking truth behind the ethically-sourced facade of lifestyle influencer, Seraphina Bloom. Bloom, known for her minimalist aesthetic and pronouncements on conscious consumerism, has built a considerable following (and, we suspect, a hefty affiliate income) promoting ‘eco-friendly’ linen pants. However, our sources – a disgruntled former alpaca shearer and a surprisingly well-informed pigeon – reveal the linen is actually a blend, and the ‘sustainable’ aspect relies heavily on the unpaid emotional labor of alpacas at the ‘Cloud Nine’ farm in Peru. “She kept saying ‘vibe check’ while we were being…processed,” lamented Bartholomew, the aforementioned shearer, speaking under the condition of anonymity (and a generous supply of birdseed for his informant). “The alpacas were *not* feeling the vibe. Apparently, ‘soft and breathable’ doesn’t quite cover it when you’re staring down the barrel of a shearing machine for someone’s Instagram story.” Bloom’s representatives initially claimed the alpacas were ‘voluntarily donating their fluff for the greater good of fashion.’ However, when presented with photographic evidence of alpaca eye-rolls and a strongly worded letter penned (and pecked) by the pigeon, they revised their statement to ‘a mutually beneficial arrangement.’ Fashion Forward attempted to reach Bloom for comment, but she was reportedly ‘too busy manifesting abundance’ to respond. We suspect that abundance includes a rapidly dwindling supply of alpaca fluff and a growing pile of unanswered DMs. The irony, of course, is thicker than Bloom’s organic, fair-trade, ethically-questionable linen.