Champ, Lake Champlain's Resident Monster, Fails to Qualify for Vermont State Swimming Team on Technicality

Champ, the lake monster said to inhabit Lake Champlain on the Vermont-New York border, has been disqualified from the Vermont state swimming team after meeting the qualifying time in the 200-meter freestyle but running afoul of USA Swimming regulations regarding the number of limbs a competitor may use during competition. The creature, which appeared at the University of Vermont's natatorium during open qualifying trials on January 18, completed the 200-meter freestyle in 47.3 seconds -- well under the qualifying standard of 1:46.09 and faster than any time recorded in the event's history at any level of competition. 'It was in and out of the pool in under a minute,' said meet official Donna Chlorine. 'I've never seen anything move through water like that. The wake alone displaced about 400 gallons onto the deck. Three timing pads were destroyed.' The disqualification was issued under USA Swimming Rule 101.2.3, which states that all competitive swimming strokes must be executed using 'two arms and two legs.' Officials determined that Champ appeared to be propelling itself with 'an indeterminate number of appendages, estimated at between four and eight, several of which did not correspond to any anatomical classification recognized by the governing body.' 'We couldn't count them,' admitted head referee Bernard Lane. 'They were moving too fast. It was like watching a blender with fins. But we're confident the count exceeded four, which puts the creature outside the regulatory framework.' Champ's coach -- a retired competitive swimmer from Burlington who asked to be identified only as 'Dale' -- has filed an appeal with USA Swimming, arguing that the appendage rule was written 'with human anatomy in mind' and constitutes 'species-based discrimination.' 'If a human had eight limbs and could swim the 200 free in 47 seconds, you'd put them on the Olympic team,' Dale said. 'The rule doesn't say human arms and legs. It just says arms and legs. Define arms. Define legs. I dare you.' USA Swimming has acknowledged the appeal and indicated a ruling will be issued 'once the organization has consulted with its legal team, its medical advisory board, and, for the first time in its history, a marine biologist.' Champ has returned to the lake. Its qualifying time remains unofficial.