Chupacabra Announces Pivot to Plant-Based Diet, Goat Farming Community Cautiously Optimistic

The chupacabra, the legendary cryptid blamed for the exsanguination of livestock across the Americas for over three decades, has announced a transition to a plant-based diet, citing health concerns and what a representative described as 'a desire to align its dietary choices with its evolving personal values.' The announcement was made via a statement left at the edge of a goat farm in Corozal, Puerto Rico, written in what forensic linguists have determined is a combination of Spanish, English, and claw marks. The statement reads, in part: 'After much reflection and a concerning blood panel, I have decided to explore plant-forward nutrition. I thank the goat community for their years of involuntary service and wish them well.' The goat farming community has responded with cautious optimism. 'I want to believe it,' said rancher Eduardo Rebaño, who has lost an estimated 40 goats to the chupacabra over two decades. 'But this is a creature that has subsisted entirely on goat blood since 1995. You don't just switch to kale overnight. I'm keeping the electric fence up.' The chupacabra's nutritionist -- a holistic veterinarian in Tucson who agreed to speak anonymously -- confirmed that the pivot was motivated by health concerns. 'Its cholesterol was through the roof. Its triglycerides were alarming. A diet of pure goat blood is essentially all protein and fat with zero fiber. I told it: you're one of the most feared creatures in the Western Hemisphere, and your arteries look like a clogged drainpipe.' The nutritionist has prescribed a regimen of leafy greens, legumes, and 'the occasional beet for iron, since it's accustomed to a hemoglobin-rich diet.' Early reports suggest the transition has been difficult. A trail camera in Sonora captured footage of what appears to be the chupacabra standing in a vegetable garden, staring at a head of lettuce with what wildlife behaviorists describe as 'profound ambivalence.' The goat farmers of Puerto Rico have formed a support group -- not for themselves, but for the chupacabra. 'It's going to struggle,' said Rebaño. 'We know what it's like to lose something you depend on. We lost goats. It's losing goats too, just differently.'