Blockchain Enthusiast's Entire Personality Now Stored on Distributed Ledger

Portland resident and blockchain evangelist Declan Merkle has completed a two-year project to migrate his 'entire personality' to the Ethereum blockchain, replacing all forms of human interaction with smart contracts and ensuring that every conversation, opinion, and emotional reaction is immutably recorded on a distributed ledger. 'My personality is now decentralized,' Merkle announced at a meetup that required attendees to connect their cryptocurrency wallets to enter. 'No single point of failure. No centralized authority controlling who I am. Every aspect of my identity -- my preferences, my memories, my sense of humor -- is stored across thousands of nodes worldwide. I am, in a very literal sense, too distributed to fail.' The project, which Merkle calls 'Personality Protocol,' consists of 847 smart contracts governing various aspects of his social life. Smart contract #412, for example, governs his dinner invitations: when a friend proposes dinner, the contract evaluates the restaurant's Yelp rating, the friend's historical punctuality (tracked via GPS oracle), and current gas prices on the Ethereum network before issuing an acceptance or rejection. 'Last week the contract rejected dinner with my best friend because gas fees were too high,' Merkle said. 'The protocol works.' His girlfriend of four years, Rachel Offchain, has expressed reservations. 'He proposed to me via smart contract,' she said. 'The proposal was conditional on ETH being above $3,000 at the time of execution. It was at $2,997. The proposal reverted. He said we'd try again next quarter.' Merkle's therapist, who he communicates with exclusively through a therapy dApp, has diagnosed him with 'an unusually literal interpretation of decentralization.' The diagnosis is stored on the blockchain. 'Every word I've ever said to my therapist is publicly verifiable,' Merkle said proudly. 'That's radical transparency. Some people think it's oversharing. I think it's the future of mental health.' The therapy dApp charges 0.003 ETH per session. Insurance does not cover it. Merkle's friends -- the ones still interacting with him through the protocol -- describe the experience as 'exhausting but technically impressive.' His mother has stopped calling, citing 'the twenty-seven-step wallet verification process required to wish my own son a happy birthday.'