Party's Bard Insists on Narrating Combat in Real Time, Adds Average of 90 Minutes Per Encounter

Members of the Gilded Compass adventuring party have petitioned their party leader to implement a 'no-narration clause' in the party charter after their bard, Melodeon the Verbose, insisted on composing and performing original rhyming couplets for every action taken during combat, adding an average of 90 minutes to each encounter. 'We were fighting a basilisk,' said the party's ranger, Fen Quickbow. 'I shot an arrow. Hit the thing in the shoulder. Normal combat. Then Melodeon stepped forward and said, wait, wait -- and performed a four-line verse about my arrow that included the phrase thine shaft did pierce the serpent's scaled veneer, as morning sun cuts through the fog of fear. The basilisk was still attacking us while he was performing. It turned the cleric to stone during the third stanza.' Melodeon has defended the practice as integral to his class identity. 'I am a bard,' he said, tuning a lute that has survived eleven dungeon delves and two direct hits from a fireball. 'My magic comes from performance. If I don't narrate, I'm just a man with a lute and substandard hit points. The narration IS the contribution.' The party disputes this characterization. 'He has Bardic Inspiration,' said the party's fighter, Tormund Shieldwall. 'That's a concrete mechanical bonus. He can buff our attacks. He can debuff enemies. He can cast Healing Word. Instead, he composes sonnets while we bleed. Last week he spent the entirety of a fight with an owlbear workshopping whether talons or claws scanned better in iambic pentameter. We almost died. He settled on talons.' Melodeon's combat narration log, which he maintains in a leather-bound journal, contains 847 original couplets composed during active engagements. Samples include: 'The goblin swung, the fighter ducked with grace / Then Tormund's blade rearranged the goblin's face' and 'The wizard's bolt of lightning split the air / The ogre screamed and lost a lot of hair.' 'They're not all winners,' Melodeon conceded. 'Composition under pressure is a challenge. But the alternative is silence. And a combat without narration is just violence. I provide context. I provide meaning. I provide art.' 'He provides an extra hour and a half of combat,' said Fen. 'That's what he provides.' The no-narration clause is scheduled for a vote at the party's next business meeting. Melodeon has composed a six-stanza objection in heroic couplets that he plans to perform during the discussion.