Researcher Publishes 40-Page Paper Proving Fruit Flies Are Doing It on Purpose

Dr. Althea Drosophila of Cornell University's Department of Entomology has published a 40-page paper in the Journal of Insect Behavior arguing that common fruit flies (Drosophila melanogaster) are not merely attracted to fermenting organic matter but are, in her words, 'deliberately targeting human food and beverages with strategic intent.' The paper, titled 'Targeted Nuisance Behavior in D. melanogaster: Evidence for Intentional Annoyance,' presents data from 14 months of behavioral observation in controlled kitchen environments. 'We placed identical bowls of fruit at varying distances from human test subjects,' Dr. Drosophila explained. 'The flies consistently chose the bowl closest to the subject's face. When we moved the subject, the flies relocated within minutes. They are tracking us.' The study further documented that fruit flies are 47 percent more likely to land on a wine glass that has been poured within the last 30 seconds, 62 percent more likely to appear within three minutes of a banana being peeled, and — in a finding that has generated significant media attention — 89 percent more likely to occupy a kitchen that was cleaned in the preceding hour. 'They wait,' Dr. Drosophila said. 'The data is unambiguous. They wait for you to clean, and then they come.' The paper has been met with mixed reviews in the academic community. 'The methodology is sound but the conclusions are anthropomorphic,' said Dr. Gene Pool of MIT. 'Flies don't have intentions. They have chemoreceptors.' Dr. Drosophila has responded by noting that Dr. Pool has never cleaned a kitchen only to find four fruit flies orbiting his head within minutes. 'Come to my lab,' she said. 'Watch the videos. Tell me that's not on purpose.'