Kayak Angler Claims to Have Found Inner Peace, Is Clearly Freezing and Lost

Kayak fishing enthusiast Derek Paddle posted a lengthy social media essay about 'finding inner peace on the water' that his friends say was written from a sit-on-top kayak, in 47-degree water, approximately 2.3 miles from the launch ramp and heading in the wrong direction. 'There is nothing like the solitude of a kayak on open water,' Paddle wrote, alongside a photograph that shows a man in an inadequate rain jacket, gripping a paddle with visibly blue fingers, on a lake surface that appears to be experiencing moderate chop. 'Just you, the water, and the fundamental truth of existence.' Paddle's fishing buddy, who was monitoring his GPS position from shore, provides a less transcendent account. 'He launched at 5:30 AM into a headwind,' said Craig Portage. 'By 6:15 he'd drifted past the point and couldn't paddle back. His phone was at 12 percent. The wind was picking up. He was not finding inner peace. He was finding hypothermia.' The social media post, which garnered 340 likes and numerous comments praising the kayak lifestyle, continued: 'Out here, material concerns fade. The tackle is simple. The approach is primal. You are a hunter in a vessel older than civilization, guided only by instinct and the rhythm of the paddle.' Portage notes that the 'primal vessel' in question is a $1,400 Hobie Mirage with a pedal drive, a fish finder, and a cup holder, and that the 'rhythm of the paddle' consisted of 'Craig, come get me, I'm at the wrong end of the lake' texted at 7:02 AM. Paddle was recovered by Portage's motorboat at 7:40 AM. He had caught no fish, lost feeling in three fingers, and was seated in two inches of water that had entered the kayak's scupper holes. 'Best morning I've had in years,' Paddle told Portage upon rescue. Portage did not respond.