Early Adopter of Every Product Since 2009 Has Spent $47,000 on Devices That No Longer Exist

A comprehensive financial audit conducted by Portland accountant and self-described 'tech forward thinker' Mitchell Preorder has revealed that he has spent approximately $47,000 over the past 17 years on consumer electronics products that have been discontinued, recalled, bricked by software updates, or rendered obsolete within months of purchase. The audit, which Preorder conducted after his wife asked him to 'add up all the stuff in the garage that doesn't turn on anymore,' spans 143 individual product purchases dating back to 2009. Highlights include a Google Glass ($1,500), which Preorder wore for three weeks before 'everyone I know asked me to stop'; an Amazon Fire Phone ($649), which he describes as 'the phone that taught me what hubris means'; and a first-generation Humane AI Pin ($699), which he says 'projected information onto my palm in direct sunlight, which is to say it projected nothing.' The largest single expenditure was a Samsung Galaxy Fold ($1,980), purchased on launch day, which developed a visible crease within two weeks and a complete screen failure within four. 'I believed in the fold,' Preorder said, staring at the defunct device. 'The fold was the future. The fold lasted nineteen days.' Preorder's garage contains what he calls 'the museum,' a series of labeled shelves holding every failed purchase. A separate drawer, marked 'DONGLES,' contains 34 adapters, converters, and proprietary cables that connect to products no longer manufactured by companies that in several cases no longer exist. 'Each one of these was going to change everything,' Preorder said, gesturing at the shelves. 'That was going to replace the laptop. That was going to replace the phone. That was going to replace reality itself. None of them replaced anything except my savings.' When asked if the audit would change his purchasing habits, Preorder paused for several seconds before admitting he had already preordered a device announced that morning. 'It's going to change everything,' he said.