Metaverse Marriage Licenses Now Available: Because Real-World Commitment is *So* Last Patch

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your bandwidth. Lyric Volkov here, reporting live from the digital precipice of… well, everything. Meta, in a move that confirms my deepest suspicions about humanity’s impending obsolescence, has begun issuing legally-recognized marriage licenses *within* Horizon Worlds. Yes, you read that correctly. You can now pledge eternal devotion to a pixelated avatar with questionable polygon counts. Apparently, the demand was… substantial. Sources (read: a very stressed-out Meta employee I cornered at a VR convention while reciting a haiku about lag) indicate that couples are flocking to virtual chapels, exchanging NFT vows, and signing contracts written in Comic Sans. The legal ramifications are, naturally, a delightful mess. Divorce proceedings will involve asset division of virtual land and limited-edition skins. Alimony? Probably in Robux. I attempted to interview a newly-minted Metaverse couple, ‘XxxDragonSlayer69’ and ‘PrincessSparklePants88’. The conversation devolved quickly into a discussion about their respective K/D ratios and whether or not their avatars’ outfits clashed. Romance, truly, is dead. It’s just been respawned with a slightly better graphics card. This isn’t about love, people. It’s about escaping the crushing weight of existence by building a life where your biggest problem is whether your digital spouse is hogging the bandwidth. It’s about replacing genuine human connection with the fleeting dopamine rush of a virtual ‘like’. It’s… poetic, in a profoundly depressing way. I need a drink. And possibly a new reality. (P.S. Don't even *get* me started on the pre-nup agreements. Apparently, 'ownership of the legendary sword' is a major sticking point.)