Woman Discovers She Is Descended From Royalty; Specific Royalty Is Disappointing

Genealogist Sandra Coronet announced at a family gathering Sunday that she had successfully traced the family line back to European royalty, a revelation that produced approximately eight seconds of excitement before she was forced to elaborate on which royalty. 'His name was Ethelbert the Unprepared,' Coronet said, reading from a printout. 'He was King of a small territory in what is now northern Belgium for eleven days in 1247. He was deposed by his own council for -- and I'm quoting the chronicle here -- general incompetence and an incident involving a goat that the chronicler declined to describe in detail.' The family's enthusiasm, which had peaked at the word 'king,' declined steadily as additional details emerged. Ethelbert, it transpires, inherited the throne only because his three older brothers had all died in unrelated accidents within the same week, an occurrence the chronicle describes as 'suspicious but uninvestigated.' His eleven-day reign was marked by exactly one royal decree, which mandated that all subjects address him as 'Ethelbert the Magnificent,' a title that historians note 'did not stick.' 'I was hoping for Henry VIII or someone from Game of Thrones,' said Coronet's nephew, age 16. 'Game of Thrones is not real,' Coronet replied. 'And Henry VIII had six wives and we are descended from none of them. We are descended from the goat king. This is our heritage.' Coronet has updated the family tree, which now extends back to 1247 and includes a small notation next to Ethelbert's name: 'King (11 days). See goat incident.' She has also ordered a custom family crest featuring a goat rampant, which she describes as 'historically appropriate if nothing else.' Her sister has requested that the crest not be displayed at the next family reunion. Coronet has declined the request, noting that 'royalty is royalty, even when it's embarrassing royalty.'