Local Man Returns from Weekend Hike Speaking Exclusively in Trail Jargon

Accountant Greg Whelan returned from a two-day backpacking trip on the Appalachian Trail Sunday evening and has since been unable to communicate in standard English, instead speaking exclusively in hiking jargon that his family and colleagues find 'deeply alienating.' 'Good morning, how was the commute?' his coworker asked Monday. 'Exposed ridgeline with a sustained grade,' Whelan replied. 'Full sun, no shade canopy, moderate foot traffic. I bonked around mile two but pushed through to the office with an emergency gel.' Whelan's wife, Diane, reported that the linguistic transformation occurred approximately four hours into his first day on trail and has shown no signs of reverting. 'He asked if we could set up a bear hang for the groceries,' she said. 'In our kitchen. He wanted to hang the groceries from the ceiling. He said the pantry was insufficiently bear-resistant.' At work, Whelan has reorganized his desk according to what he calls 'pack-out efficiency,' storing frequently used items in 'brain pockets' (top drawer) and less essential supplies in 'the stuff sack' (a garbage bag under his desk). He has replaced his office chair with a foam sleeping pad and eats lunch from a titanium pot. 'I asked him to review a spreadsheet,' said his manager. 'He said he needed to consult his topo map first. The spreadsheet was a budget report.' Whelan's family is hopeful the condition is temporary. His wife has scheduled a dinner at a restaurant to 'remind him that food can come on plates,' and his mother has suggested 'maybe not going hiking again for a while.' Whelan dismissed both suggestions, noting he needs to 'resupply at the co-op' and 'zero out for a few days before tackling Q3 earnings.'