Aquatic Research Grant Awarded to Study Already Fully Understood

The National Science Foundation has awarded a $2.3 million grant to Dr. Leonard Tidemark of the University of Alaska for a five-year study titled 'Anadromous Migration Patterns in Oncorhynchus: Do Salmon Swim Upstream?' -- a question that, as Dr. Tidemark freely admits, 'every child who has watched a nature documentary already knows the answer to.' 'Yes, salmon swim upstream,' Dr. Tidemark said at a press conference. 'We've known this for centuries. But have we known it rigorously? Have we known it with sufficient methodological precision? I would argue we have not.' The grant will fund a team of twelve researchers, a custom-built underwater observation station, and what Dr. Tidemark describes as 'the most comprehensive salmon-direction database in human history.' 'We will observe over 50,000 individual salmon and record the direction each one is swimming,' he explained. 'If even one salmon swims downstream, the entire field will need to reconsider everything it thinks it knows.' Critics have noted that the funding could have supported research into declining fish populations, ocean acidification, or any number of urgent environmental concerns. 'We considered those topics,' said NSF program officer Dr. Barbara Trawl. 'But the salmon proposal had the strongest methodology section. It was forty pages long. There were diagrams.' Dr. Tidemark's team has already begun preliminary observations and reports that, so far, all observed salmon have been swimming upstream. 'Early results are consistent with existing literature,' he said. 'But we won't draw conclusions until year five. Science requires patience.' The study has been nicknamed 'The Upstream Project' by university colleagues, several of whom have submitted competing grants to study whether birds fly and if bears are indeed present in wooded areas.