Fish Ladder Receives Scathing One-Star Review from Salmon

Researchers monitoring salmon migration at Bonneville Dam have published the results of an innovative behavioral assessment that they are framing as 'the first consumer review of a fish ladder, written by fish.' The assessment, which tracked hesitation rates, turnaround frequency, and what lead researcher Dr. Patricia Run described as 'general fish demeanor,' suggests that salmon find the dam's fish passage system deeply unsatisfactory. 'Forty-three percent of observed fish hesitated at the entrance for more than ten minutes,' Dr. Run said. 'Seventeen percent turned around entirely. And at least one fish -- we have this on video -- swam up to the ladder, appeared to assess it, and then just left. Just turned and swam back downstream.' Dr. Run acknowledged that attributing consumer preferences to salmon involves 'a certain amount of interpretive latitude,' but maintained that the data was consistent with 'a user experience problem.' 'If forty-three percent of your customers stop at the door and stare, you have a design problem,' she said. 'It doesn't matter if the customers are fish.' The Army Corps of Engineers, which operates the dam, pushed back on the characterization. 'Our fish ladder meets all federal specifications,' said spokesperson Colonel William Spillway. 'Over 1.2 million fish used it last year. We consider that a positive review.' 'One point two million fish used it because they had no choice,' Dr. Run countered. 'That's not a review. That's captive market behavior.' The research team has proposed modifications including better lighting, wider passage channels, and 'some kind of signage, although we acknowledge the literacy issue.' The Corps has declined all suggestions. Dr. Run plans to expand her behavioral assessment framework to other dams. 'Every fish ladder deserves a Yelp rating,' she said. 'The fish have been silent for too long.'