Fisheries Biologist Cannot Enjoy Seafood Restaurant Without Narrating the Phylogeny of Every Dish

A fisheries biologist's inability to consume a meal at a seafood restaurant without providing unsolicited phylogenetic commentary on every dish has resulted in what her partner describes as 'a permanent ban from Red Lobster and a conditional ban from three other establishments.' Dr. Margaret Clade, a systematist at NOAA's Southwest Fisheries Science Center, has been unable to suppress taxonomic observations at restaurants since completing her dissertation on actinopterygian phylogenomics in 2018. 'It starts before the menu is open,' said her partner, David, who has documented the phenomenon over approximately 200 restaurant visits. 'She sees the lobster tank and mentions that lobsters are more closely related to insects than to the shrimp on the appetizer menu. By the time the bread arrives, everyone at the table knows that salmon and tuna diverged approximately 200 million years ago.' Dr. Clade acknowledged the behavior but argued it is involuntary. 'When I see cod on a menu, I see a gadiform. When I see tilapia, I see a cichlid that has been marketed under a name that obscures its actual identity. When I see Chilean sea bass, I do not see Chilean sea bass because there is no such fish — I see Dissostichus eleginoides, a Patagonian toothfish that was rebranded because no one would pay $30 for something called a toothfish.' 'She says the toothfish thing every time,' David confirmed. 'Every. Single. Time.' The Red Lobster incident reportedly involved a twelve-minute lecture to their server about the taxonomic inaccuracy of calling crawfish 'crawfish' instead of crayfish, during which other tables began listening and the manager was summoned. Dr. Clade has agreed to limit her commentary to 'one observation per course,' a compromise David describes as 'a starting point, not a solution.'