Peer-Reviewed Study Confirms Fish Do Not Care About Your PhD

A landmark study published in the Journal of Ichthyological Indifference has confirmed what field researchers have long suspected: fish demonstrate zero measurable behavioral change in response to the educational credentials of the person observing them. The study, led by Dr. Sylvia Benthos of the University of British Columbia, tracked the behavior of 400 rainbow trout (Oncorhynchus mykiss) across varying observer conditions. Test subjects were observed by postdoctoral researchers, undergraduate students, members of the general public, and, in a control condition, an unmanned camera. 'The trout behaved identically in all conditions,' Dr. Benthos confirmed. 'Whether the observer held a PhD in aquatic ecology or had wandered in from a nearby picnic, the fish exhibited the same feeding patterns, the same predator avoidance responses, and the same absolute disregard for the human presence.' The study's most notable finding involved a subset of trout that appeared to actively avoid areas where researchers had set up elaborate monitoring equipment. 'The fish seemed, if anything, less cooperative when we tried harder,' Dr. Benthos noted. 'There is a correlation between equipment investment and fish apathy that we did not anticipate.' The paper has generated discussion in the ichthyological community, where the relationship between researcher effort and fish cooperation has long been a source of private frustration. 'I spent six years getting a doctorate so I could study fish,' said Dr. Marcus Pelagic of Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution. 'The fish do not know this. The fish will never know this. The fish are doing exactly what they were doing before I arrived, which is mostly hovering and occasionally eating. My credentials are for grant applications, not for the fish.' Dr. Benthos has secured funding for a follow-up study examining whether fish respond differently to researchers who are crying.