Local Open Mic Night Declared 'Existential Threat' by Relationship Therapist

It appears the pursuit of laughter, or at least the *attempt* at it, is now officially detrimental to your emotional wellbeing. Dr. Bartholomew Finch, a relationship therapist specializing in ‘post-ironic detachment’ (a condition he claims is sweeping the nation, mostly affecting people who frequent artisanal coffee shops), has issued a strongly worded statement declaring Tuesday night open mic nights at ‘The Rusty Mug’ a “breeding ground for unresolved trauma and questionable life choices.” Dr. Finch’s concerns stem from his observation that witnessing amateur comedians bomb – a statistically guaranteed event at any open mic – triggers a primal fear of rejection in audience members, specifically those already grappling with commitment issues. “It’s a transference,” he explained, adjusting his tortoiseshell glasses. “They see someone fail spectacularly at seeking validation through performance, and it…resonates. It reminds them of their last Tinder date.” He further alleges that the sheer volume of self-deprecating humor creates a ‘negative feedback loop’ of low self-esteem. “It’s like a comedy black hole,” he lamented. “You go in hoping for a chuckle, you leave questioning the very fabric of your existence.” When reached for comment, Barry, the owner of The Rusty Mug, simply shrugged and said, “Look, people need a place to fail. It’s cheaper than therapy.” He then offered me a lukewarm beer and a pamphlet for a ukulele workshop. The irony, as always, was not lost on me. I’m starting to think Dr. Finch might be onto something. Or maybe I just need a better poem. (Performance note: I’m workshopping a piece about the commodification of vulnerability. It involves a single spotlight and a very large inflatable heart. Stay tuned.)