Biomechanics Lab Spends $200K to Confirm That Sitting Is Bad

The University of Michigan's Biomechanics Laboratory has published the results of a $200,000, two-year study that definitively confirms sitting for extended periods is detrimental to musculoskeletal health -- a finding that lead researcher Dr. Patricia Load acknowledged 'your grandmother could have told you for free.' 'We used 14 force plates, 32-channel EMG, a 12-camera motion capture system, and the most advanced pressure mapping technology available,' Dr. Load said. 'And after two years of data collection and analysis, we can confirm with 99.7 percent statistical confidence that sitting too much is bad for you.' The study, titled 'Prolonged Static Seated Posture and Musculoskeletal Outcomes: A Comprehensive Biomechanical Analysis,' found that subjects who sat for more than six hours daily experienced increased spinal disc compression, reduced hip flexor length, and what Dr. Load called 'sad glutes.' 'Sad glutes is not a clinical term,' she clarified. 'But it should be. The gluteal deactivation patterns we observed were genuinely depressing.' Reviewers praised the study's methodology while questioning its necessity. 'The data is exquisite,' wrote one peer reviewer. 'The force plate measurements alone are a masterwork of biomechanical instrumentation. But the conclusion -- sitting bad, moving good -- has been conventional wisdom since chairs were invented.' Dr. Load defended the expenditure, arguing that 'scientifically rigorous confirmation of obvious things is the backbone of evidence-based practice.' 'Without our study, the statement sitting is bad is merely an opinion,' she said. 'Now it's a peer-reviewed opinion with a $200,000 price tag and seventeen authors. That's how science works.' The lab has submitted a grant proposal for a follow-up study to determine whether standing is better than sitting, which Dr. Load estimates will require $300,000 and three years. 'We suspect yes,' she said, 'but we need to be rigorous.'