Foam Roller Enthusiast Now Spends More Time Rolling Than Exercising

Recreational gym-goer Mitchell Fascia has gradually expanded his pre-workout foam rolling routine to three hours and fourteen minutes, effectively eliminating any time for the workout it was designed to prepare him for. 'I used to roll my IT band for five minutes before squats,' Fascia said, lying on a foam roller in the corner of his gym, where staff say he has been since 6 AM. 'Then I added my quads. Then my calves. Then my thoracic spine. Then I read an article about plantar fascia and now I roll the bottoms of my feet for thirty minutes each.' Fascia's current routine begins at 6 AM with what he calls 'full-body myofascial decompression,' a term he invented. It includes foam rolling every major muscle group, lacrosse ball work on his feet, shoulders, and 'some spots that I found myself,' and a twenty-minute session with a vibrating massage gun set to what he describes as 'existential.' 'By the time I finish rolling, it's 9:15 and I have to go to work,' he said. 'I keep telling myself I'll do a quick workout after, but then I realize I haven't rolled my hip flexors yet and suddenly it's 9:45.' Gym staff have attempted to intervene. 'We suggested he set a timer,' said manager Carol Contractile. 'He sets a timer. Then when it goes off, he rolls the arm that reached for the timer, because reaching activated his latissimus dorsi and he needs to address that.' Fascia's personal trainer has dropped him as a client. 'I can't train someone who won't stop rolling,' said trainer Dave Eccentric. 'I programmed a full workout for him. He showed up, rolled for the entire session, and then asked if we could extend by thirty minutes to roll his scalenes.' Fascia insists his approach is backed by research, citing 'several Instagram posts and a podcast he half-listened to while rolling.' He plans to add a pre-rolling routine to his pre-workout routine, 'just to make sure I'm ready to roll.'