New Study Concludes That Sitting Is the New Smoking, Standing Is the New Sitting, and Lying Down Is 'Honestly Fine'

A sweeping meta-analysis published in the Journal of Sedentary Behavior has concluded that sitting is hazardous, prolonged standing is also hazardous, and the only position that produced no statistically significant negative health outcomes was lying supine on a firm surface — a finding that researchers acknowledge 'complicates the modern workplace.' 'We analyzed 340 studies spanning twenty years of postural research,' said lead author Dr. Miriam Sagittal-Plane. 'The data is unambiguous. Sitting increases all-cause mortality. Standing increases venous pooling, plantar fasciitis, and lower extremity fatigue. The human body was not designed for either sustained posture. It was designed to lie in a field and occasionally run from a predator.' The study recommends a 'postural rotation protocol' in which individuals alternate between sitting for twenty minutes, standing for eight minutes, walking for two minutes, and lying down for ten minutes — a schedule that test subjects described as 'physically optimal but professionally suicidal.' 'I tried the rotation protocol at my office,' said participant Laura Erector-Spinae. 'My manager came by during the lying-down phase and asked if I was having a medical emergency. I said I was optimizing my lumbar disc hydration. She said I should optimize it on my own time.' The standing desk industry, valued at $7.2 billion, has responded with alarm. 'Standing desks reduce the risks associated with sitting,' said the American Standing Desk Council in a statement, which the study's authors note 'is technically true in the same way that jumping off a building reduces the risks associated with being on a building.' Dr. Sagittal-Plane has applied for a grant to study the workplace feasibility of horizontal workstations, which she describes as 'desks for people who have accepted the biomechanical evidence.'