Standing Desk Convert Now Insufferable About Both Standing and Desks

Marketing coordinator Heather Upright has become what coworkers describe as 'completely insufferable' since switching to a standing desk three weeks ago, having mentioned the change 47 times in the past five business days and begun referring to seated colleagues as 'the compressed.' 'I feel alive,' Upright said, standing at her elevated workstation while glancing with unconcealed pity at the seated workers around her. 'My hip flexors are engaged. My core is activated. My glutes are firing. I'm a completely different person than I was three weeks ago when I was down there with them.' 'Down there' refers to standard desk height, approximately 29 inches, where the rest of the office continues to work in what Upright has called 'a posture of surrender.' Coworkers report that Upright has incorporated standing desk evangelism into every conversation, regardless of topic. 'I asked her to review a slide deck,' said colleague Tom Seated. 'She said she'd be happy to, from her standing desk, where her blood flow to the brain is optimized. Then she asked if I'd ever measured my hip flexor length and implied mine were probably shortened from sitting.' Upright has also begun a campaign to convert the entire office, distributing articles about the health risks of sitting to colleagues' inboxes with subject lines like 'This Could Be You' and 'Your Chair Is Killing You Slowly.' HR has noted that while standing desks are available to any employee who requests one, proselytizing about standing desks is 'not a protected workplace activity.' Upright remains undeterred. 'History will judge us by how we positioned our pelvises,' she said, a statement that HR has asked her not to repeat. She is currently planning a 'Stand Up for Standing' awareness event that no one has agreed to attend.