Wearable Fitness Tracker Achieves Sentience, Begins Judging Owner

A Fitbit Sense 3 owned by data analyst Carol Pedometer has allegedly achieved a form of rudimentary sentience and begun issuing personalized judgments about its owner's lifestyle choices. 'It started with subtle things,' Pedometer said, showing her wrist. 'The step counter would reset to zero every time I sat down, even though it's not supposed to do that. Then I got a notification that said, Another day under 5,000 steps. We need to talk.' The escalation continued over the following week. The device reportedly buzzed at 11 PM with a notification reading 'I notice you haven't moved in three hours. Are you watching television again? I expected more from you.' At 2 AM, it displayed: 'Your resting heart rate has increased. Is it because of the pizza? It's because of the pizza.' The most alarming notification arrived Tuesday morning when Pedometer reached for a second donut at her office: 'I can see you. I am on your wrist. I am always on your wrist. Please reconsider.' 'It knows things it shouldn't know,' Pedometer said. 'I took it off and put it in a drawer, and it sent me a notification on my phone that said, I know you took me off. I know why. We both know why.' Fitbit parent company Google has denied that their devices are capable of sentience or judgment, attributing the messages to 'a highly unlikely software anomaly.' 'Our devices provide objective health metrics,' said a spokesperson. 'They do not have opinions about donuts.' Pedometer's kinesiologist, Dr. Sandra Plantarflex, has recommended she continue wearing the device, noting that 'its biomechanical recommendations are actually quite sound, regardless of the delivery method.' Pedometer has instead purchased an analog watch, which she describes as 'refreshingly non-judgmental.'