Experimental Archaeologist Insists on Butchering Thanksgiving Turkey With Hand-Knapped Tools

Experimental archaeologist Dr. Warren Biface insisted on butchering the family Thanksgiving turkey using exclusively hand-knapped stone tools, a process that took four hours, shattered two obsidian blades, embedded a microflake in the cranberry sauce, and pushed dinner back to 9:47 PM. 'This is how our ancestors did it,' Dr. Biface said, sawing through a turkey leg with a chert flake hafted to a willow handle. 'Every Thanksgiving, we use metal tools without questioning it. I think it's important to reconnect with pre-metallurgical food preparation traditions.' 'It's important to eat dinner before midnight,' said his mother, Helen, watching from the kitchen doorway with an expression the family later agreed was 'beyond patience.' Dr. Biface had prepared a toolkit of twelve stone implements including a large chopper for initial dismemberment, several medium flakes for precision cutting, and a small obsidian blade he described as 'the scalpel of the Paleolithic' and his brother described as 'a sharp rock.' The butchering proceeded slowly. The chopper cracked on the breastbone. The medium flakes required resharpening every few minutes. The obsidian scalpel performed admirably until it shattered, sending fragments across the kitchen counter and into several side dishes. 'There's glass in the mashed potatoes,' observed his niece. 'It's not glass, it's obsidian, and it's a hydrated volcanic silicate,' Dr. Biface corrected, picking fragments out of the gravy. The turkey, when finally served at 9:47 PM, was described by family members as 'edible but suspiciously crunchy in places.' Dr. Biface declared the experiment 'a complete success from a replicative standpoint.' His mother has announced that next year's turkey will be prepared 'with normal knives, by a normal person, at a normal time,' and that Dr. Biface is welcome to knap in the garage.