Experimental Archaeologist Builds Entire Neolithic Tool Kit, Cannot Open Modern Packaging

Dr. Petra Hammerstone, an experimental archaeologist specializing in Paleolithic lithic technology, has successfully replicated every major stone tool type from the Oldowan chopper to the Magdalenian microblade, yet was unable on Tuesday to open the plastic clamshell packaging on a set of AA batteries she purchased at a gas station. 'I have knapped obsidian so thin you can read newspaper through it,' Dr. Hammerstone said, tugging at the packaging with increasing frustration. 'I can produce a cutting edge sharper than a surgical scalpel using nothing but a river cobble and a piece of antler. But whoever designed this packaging has created a barrier that would have stopped Homo erectus dead in his tracks.' Dr. Hammerstone's attempts to breach the packaging included applying controlled force along the sealed edge (failed), attempting to locate a stress point for crack propagation (none found), and, in what she described as 'a moment of professional desperation,' retrieving a replica Acheulean hand axe from her car and striking the package with it. 'The hand axe is 1.5 million years of technological evolution,' she said. 'It bounced off.' The batteries were ultimately freed by a gas station attendant using scissors, a tool that Dr. Hammerstone conceded 'would not survive in the archaeological record' but acknowledged as 'effective against whatever polymer nightmare this packaging is made from.' Dr. Hammerstone has since published a blog post titled 'Clamshell Packaging and the Limits of Lithic Technology,' in which she argues that modern packaging represents 'the first material challenge in 3.3 million years of tool use that stone tools cannot solve.'