Stone Age Survival Course Participant Discovers Knapping Is Hard, Civilization Was a Good Idea

Outdoor enthusiast and self-described 'primitive skills advocate' Bradley Cortex emerged from a three-day Stone Age survival course with a newfound appreciation for modern civilization after spending six hours attempting to produce a single functional stone scraper. 'I thought I'd be making spear points by lunch,' Cortex said, holding up a misshapen piece of chert that bore no resemblance to any known tool type. 'Instead, I spent six hours hitting rocks together and produced what the instructor diplomatically called a utilized flake and what I would call a broken rock.' The course, offered by Ancestral Skills Academy in rural Oregon, teaches participants to source, knap, and use stone tools as part of a broader primitive living curriculum. Cortex signed up after watching a documentary about Paleolithic hunter-gatherers that 'made it look straightforward.' 'The documentary did not show the eighty failed attempts for every successful tool,' said course instructor Rachel Anvil. 'Nor did it show the blood blisters, the flying shrapnel, or the moment when a grown man stares at a piece of flint and says, I can't even make a caveman knife, what am I good for.' Cortex's six-hour knapping session produced one marginally functional scraper, two pieces he cut himself on, and approximately 400 waste flakes. His fellow participants fared similarly, with the group collectively producing what Anvil described as 'barely enough tools to process a single rabbit, assuming the rabbit held very still.' 'The Paleolithic lasted two and a half million years,' Cortex reflected on the drive home. 'Two and a half million years of making tools by hitting rocks. And I couldn't produce a decent one in six hours. Those people deserve more credit. Also, I would like a hot shower now.' He has cancelled his registration for next month's Advanced Lithic Reduction workshop and instead purchased a set of stainless steel kitchen knives, which he describes as 'the pinnacle of human achievement.'