Lexicographer's Dating Profile Lists 'Defining Words' as Hobby, Matches With Zero Humans

Junior lexicographer Dr. Martin Etymology has been active on three dating platforms for fourteen months without receiving a single match, a result he attributes to 'a society that has lost its appreciation for precision in language' and his friends attribute to 'his profile.' The profile, reviewed by this publication with Dr. Etymology's consent, reads in its entirety: 'Logophile, 34, ISO someone who appreciates the subjunctive mood, can distinguish "affect" from "effect" without consulting a reference, and understands that "decimate" properly means to reduce by one-tenth, not to destroy completely. My love language is etymology. Dealbreaker: people who use "literally" figuratively. Bonus points if you know what a hapax legomenon is.' Dr. Etymology's photos include a selfie taken in the OED reading room, a candid shot of him annotating a dictionary proof, and what he describes as 'an action photo' of him 'discovering a new antedating for a headword,' which appears to be a photo of him sitting at a desk looking at a computer screen. 'I thought specificity would be attractive,' Dr. Etymology said. 'In lexicography, precision is a virtue. I assumed the same principle applied to romantic solicitation.' Dating coach Angela Vernacular reviewed the profile at a reporter's request. 'Everything about this profile says "I will correct your text messages,"' she said. 'The subjunctive mood requirement alone eliminates approximately 98 percent of the English-speaking population. And the "decimate" thing — nobody wants to be told on a first date that they're using a word wrong. Actually, nobody wants to be told that on any date.' Dr. Etymology has revised his profile to read: 'Nice guy who likes words. Let's get coffee.' He reports that this version 'feels reductive but has generated two matches, which is two more than precision produced.'