Merriam-Webster Adds 'Rizz' to Dictionary, Elderly Lexicographer Announces Retirement Effective Immediately

Dr. Elliot Morphology, a 40-year veteran of the Merriam-Webster editorial staff, announced his immediate retirement on Thursday, approximately seven minutes after learning that the word 'rizz' — defined as 'romantic appeal or charm' — had been approved for inclusion in the dictionary's next edition. 'I have spent four decades defining words,' Dr. Morphology said, packing his etymological references into a cardboard box. 'I defined "antidisestablishmentarianism." I revised the entry for "love" — all four senses. I wrote a three-page definition of "set" that I consider my finest work. And today we are adding a word that sounds like a sound effect from a cartoon.' Dr. Morphology emphasized that he does not object to the word's existence. 'Language evolves. Slang becomes standard. I understand the process — I've dedicated my life to documenting it. But "rizz" is derived by clipping from "charisma," which is itself derived from the Greek "kharisma," meaning divine gift. We had a perfectly good word. Several, in fact. "Charm," "magnetism," "allure." The language was not deficient in this area.' Colleagues report that Dr. Morphology's decision was not spontaneous. 'He's been on edge since "yeet" was added,' said junior editor Clara Phonotactics. 'The "adulting" entry nearly broke him. But "rizz" was the one that made him look out the window for a very long time and then say, very quietly, "I believe I am finished."' Dr. Morphology's retirement party will be held next Friday. He has requested that no slang be used during the event and that all speeches be delivered 'in complete sentences with subordinate clauses.' 'I have no regrets,' Dr. Morphology said. 'Except that I will never get to define whatever comes after "rizz," because I am certain it will be worse.'