Scrabble Dispute Escalates to Full Etymological Hearing

A family Scrabble game in suburban Cleveland has escalated into a formal etymological hearing after player Donna Lexicon placed the word 'za' on a triple word score and her father-in-law, retired English teacher Gerald Prescriptive, declared it 'not a word, not now, not ever, not in this house.' 'Za is an informal abbreviation of pizza,' Donna said, producing a copy of the Official Scrabble Players Dictionary, which lists the word. 'It's right here. Page 712. Za. Noun. Pizza. Two letters. 11 points on a triple word score. This argument is over.' 'That book is not an authority on the English language,' Gerald replied. 'That book also includes qi, xi, and xu. Those are not English words. That is a document designed to win arguments, not to describe a language.' The dispute continued for three hours, eventually requiring the intervention of Gerald's neighbor, Dr. Harriet Descriptive, a retired linguist, and Gerald's brother, a retired municipal court judge, who agreed to serve as arbitrator. Dr. Descriptive testified that 'za' meets the criteria for informal English vocabulary, having been attested in print since 1968. Gerald countered that attestation is not legitimacy and that 'my grandmother could have attested to any number of things that weren't real.' The judge ruled in Donna's favor, citing the principle that 'the Official Scrabble Players Dictionary constitutes a binding lexicographic authority within the context of the game, regardless of the personal feelings of participants who are losing.' Gerald accepted the ruling but has refused to play Scrabble since, instead suggesting the family play 'a game that doesn't reward the degradation of English, such as chess.' Donna's winning score of 387 has been officially recorded on the family's Scrabble leaderboard, which Gerald has asked to be removed from the living room wall.