Usage Panel Votes 11-10 to Accept 'Literally' Meaning 'Figuratively,' Then Dissolves in Tears

The Meridian Dictionary Usage Panel voted 11-10 on Thursday to formally accept the use of 'literally' as an intensifier meaning 'figuratively' or 'very,' a decision that the panel's chair, Dr. Evelyn Standard, described as 'correct, inevitable, and spiritually devastating.' 'The evidence is overwhelming,' Dr. Standard said, her voice barely above a whisper. 'Literally has been used as an intensifier since at least 1769. Dickens used it. Fitzgerald used it. Every English speaker under forty uses it. We cannot pretend this usage doesn't exist. But we can grieve it.' The vote was preceded by four hours of debate, during which panelists presented corpus data, historical citations, and increasingly personal testimony. 'I was literally dying inside during this discussion,' said panelist Dr. Frank Descriptive, voting in favor. 'And I mean that figuratively, which is exactly the usage we're debating, and the fact that you all understood me proves my point.' 'That proves nothing except that language is rotting from the inside,' responded Dr. Margaret Prescriptive, voting against. The deciding vote was cast by Dr. Thomas Ambivalent, who spent the full fifteen-minute deliberation period staring at his ballot before marking 'accept' and immediately requesting that his name not be published in connection with the decision. 'I voted with the evidence,' he said. 'But I didn't enjoy it.' The panel's official guidance now reads: 'Literally may be used as an intensifier for emphasis, though this usage is widely criticized and may cause distress to older relatives at dinner parties.' Dr. Standard concluded the session by noting that the panel's next item — whether 'irregardless' should receive full dictionary status — would be tabled 'until the emotional wounds from today have healed, which I estimate will be never.'