Master Locksmith Locked Out of Own House for Third Time This Month

Gerald 'Steady Hands' Mortice, a master locksmith with three decades of experience and the reigning champion of the North American Lock Picking Invitational, was found sitting on his front porch Tuesday afternoon, locked out of his own home for the third time in February. Mortice, who holds certifications from the Associated Locksmiths of America, the Safe and Vault Technicians Association, and the Master Locksmiths Association of Great Britain, was reportedly unable to enter his residence because he had left his keys on the kitchen counter after making toast. 'I could pick this lock in forty seconds,' Mortice told a neighbor who discovered him. 'The problem is that I installed a Mul-T-Lock MT5+ with a restricted keyway, anti-pick pins, and a sidebar mechanism specifically because it cannot be picked in forty seconds. I did my job too well.' Mortice's wife, Deborah, who was at work at the time, confirmed that this is a recurring pattern. 'He spent $1,200 on a lock that is essentially impervious to manipulation, and then he leaves his keys next to the toaster every single morning. I've suggested a smart lock. He called it an abomination.' Rather than call a colleague, Mortice spent two hours attempting to pick his own lock using a tension wrench fashioned from a windshield wiper and a pick improvised from a bobby pin he found in the garden. He was unsuccessful. 'The lock performed exactly as designed,' Mortice said with what witnesses described as 'a complicated mixture of pride and despair.' He ultimately entered through a basement window he had forgotten to secure, which he characterized as 'a vulnerability I will be addressing immediately.' He has since ordered a hide-a-key rock, which he described as 'a professional humiliation I am choosing to accept.'