Visiting Scholar Asks What Nematodes 'Do' and Room Falls Silent

A visiting postdoctoral scholar from the chemistry department triggered a fifteen-minute departmental crisis on Tuesday by asking the nematology research group 'so what do nematodes actually do?' during a tea break. The question, posed by Dr. Marcus Beaker while stirring his coffee, produced what witnesses describe as 'a silence you could hear at the molecular level,' followed by seven researchers attempting to answer simultaneously. 'They decompose organic matter,' said Dr. Roundworm. 'They parasitize plants,' said Dr. Cuticle. 'They regulate soil microbial communities,' said Dr. Pharynx. 'They parasitize animals,' said Dr. Capsule. 'They exist,' said Dr. Substrate, somewhat philosophically. The responses quickly escalated into an internal debate about which ecological function constituted the 'primary' contribution of nematodes, a question the department has apparently been avoiding for years. 'It's like asking what water does,' Dr. Roundworm said later. 'The answer is everything. Water does everything. Nematodes do everything. You cannot summarize the most abundant multicellular animals on Earth in a sentence while someone stirs a coffee.' Dr. Beaker, who had asked the question 'out of genuine curiosity and a desire to make small talk,' reported that the experience was 'quite intense' and that he now knows more about nematode feeding guilds than he ever expected or wanted to know. 'I just wanted to understand what they study here,' he said. 'Instead I received what I can only describe as a group lecture delivered at increasing volume over biscuits.' The department has since prepared a laminated one-page summary titled 'What Nematodes Do: A Consensus Statement' to prevent future incidents. The document went through fourteen drafts and two committee meetings.