Luxottica Acquires the Concept of Seeing, Frames Now Required for All Visual Perception

EssilorLuxottica, the Franco-Italian conglomerate that manufactures, distributes, and retails an estimated 80 percent of the world's branded eyewear, announced Monday that it has acquired the intellectual property rights to the concept of seeing, effective immediately. 'Vision is our core competency,' said CEO Francesco Monopoli during a press conference held simultaneously at 17,000 LensCrafters, Sunglass Hut, Pearle Vision, and Target Optical locations — all of which the company owns. 'It was only natural to formalize our relationship with the act of visual perception itself.' Under the terms of the acquisition, all humans who engage in seeing will be required to license the experience through EssilorLuxottica-approved eyewear, starting at $299 for basic visual perception and scaling to $899 for 'premium sight with enhanced color rendering.' 'We're not preventing anyone from seeing,' clarified VP of Ocular Licensing Gianna Brevetto. 'We're simply providing a structured framework for the visual experience. Think of it as sight-as-a-service.' Independent opticians expressed alarm. 'They already own Ray-Ban, Oakley, Persol, Oliver Peoples, Vogue Eyewear, and the insurance company that reimburses for them,' said independent optician Dr. Monocle Resistance. 'Now they own seeing? I'm writing prescriptions for a company that has patented the thing the prescriptions correct. This is vertically integrated to the point of philosophy.' Consumer advocates have filed an antitrust complaint, arguing that one company cannot own a sensory experience. EssilorLuxottica's legal team responded by noting that they also manufacture the reading glasses the regulators would need to review the filing. The company's stock rose 7 percent on the news. Shareholders celebrated by looking at things, for which they will soon receive an invoice.