Man Wears Reading Glasses to Restaurant to 'Look Distinguished,' Cannot Read Menu

A diner at The Gilded Plate restaurant spent twenty-five minutes squinting at the menu through non-prescription reading glasses he purchased exclusively for the purpose of appearing 'distinguished and well-read at dinner,' before quietly asking the waiter to read him the specials. Robert Vanity, 39, who has perfect uncorrected vision, selected the +3.50 reading glasses from a pharmacy display based on 'the frame style and how they make my face look like a professor's.' He did not test the lens strength, considering it irrelevant to his objective. 'I wanted the look,' Vanity explained after the meal. 'You see people in restaurants wearing reading glasses and they look thoughtful, worldly, like they've read all the books. I wanted that energy. What I did not account for is that the lenses turn everything beyond eight inches into a Monet painting.' Vanity's dinner companion, his girlfriend, reports that he 'held the menu at arm's length, then at nose length, then at arm's length again, then tilted his head sideways like a confused dog.' When she offered to read the menu aloud, he declined, saying 'that would undermine the aesthetic.' He eventually ordered by pointing at a line he believed to be the steak but which turned out to be the vegetarian risotto. He ate it without complaint. Vanity has since purchased four additional pairs of non-prescription glasses in different styles for what he describes as 'different dining occasions.' He reports that he has learned to read menus on his phone before arriving at the restaurant, 'so the glasses can be purely performative, as intended.' Dr. Iris Diopter, when informed of the situation, said: 'We see this more often than you'd think. The solution is simple: wear frames with clear non-corrective lenses. But people don't ask us. They just go to the pharmacy and grab the strongest ones because they have the thickest lenses, and then they can't see their soup.'